Fears

I'm an outgoing person - but I have some social fears that I regularly battle.  I have a giant fear of people's thoughts about me, and anything that I share.  I love to share my life experiences, and times when God has spoken to me.  However, in the groups that I regularly get that chance to speak to, I often feel that the end result is like looking out into a sea of blank faces and I clearly hear crickets chirping!  In those moments I go from hot to cold, then cold to hot, and try to come up with a way to quickly move on to something else.  In my mind, I'm going crazy!  "Did they hate what I said?  Did that offend them?  Was that too religious?  Maybe no one can relate?".  I want to sink into the floor and disappear.

I'm not sure if I just don't have the right audience, or if I'm truly just not as gifted at speaking as I think I am.  I love to do it.  I don't get nervous before I start.  It makes me feel happy to share my stories, or the messages I feel God gives to me.  I just feel so empty and vulnerable afterwards.  If I get no feedback it's even worse, because I question EVERYTHING that I said and did.

I would love to use my gift of speaking and sharing for Jesus - and I keep telling Him, "use me!".  I won't give up - but sometimes it's hard.  I feel like I need to keep trying, keep sharing - but there is always the other side telling me that it's not helping, it's hindering. I keep holding back because I feel that I am not helping people to grow, and I want people to feel that my words speak to them.  I'm praying about it.

So I will keep trying.  Stepping out into the arena, even if I'll get plowed down by the critics (which can even be myself).  I know that this is something God is calling me to - I just need to find my way to an audience that needs what I have to give. I know that beyond my fear of people's thoughts is something great.  Lord, give me boldness to speak Your words, faith to step past my fear, and ears that hear the truth. Amen.