Fears

I'm an outgoing person - but I have some social fears that I regularly battle.  I have a giant fear of people's thoughts about me, and anything that I share.  I love to share my life experiences, and times when God has spoken to me.  However, in the groups that I regularly get that chance to speak to, I often feel that the end result is like looking out into a sea of blank faces and I clearly hear crickets chirping!  In those moments I go from hot to cold, then cold to hot, and try to come up with a way to quickly move on to something else.  In my mind, I'm going crazy!  "Did they hate what I said?  Did that offend them?  Was that too religious?  Maybe no one can relate?".  I want to sink into the floor and disappear.

I'm not sure if I just don't have the right audience, or if I'm truly just not as gifted at speaking as I think I am.  I love to do it.  I don't get nervous before I start.  It makes me feel happy to share my stories, or the messages I feel God gives to me.  I just feel so empty and vulnerable afterwards.  If I get no feedback it's even worse, because I question EVERYTHING that I said and did.

I would love to use my gift of speaking and sharing for Jesus - and I keep telling Him, "use me!".  I won't give up - but sometimes it's hard.  I feel like I need to keep trying, keep sharing - but there is always the other side telling me that it's not helping, it's hindering. I keep holding back because I feel that I am not helping people to grow, and I want people to feel that my words speak to them.  I'm praying about it.

So I will keep trying.  Stepping out into the arena, even if I'll get plowed down by the critics (which can even be myself).  I know that this is something God is calling me to - I just need to find my way to an audience that needs what I have to give. I know that beyond my fear of people's thoughts is something great.  Lord, give me boldness to speak Your words, faith to step past my fear, and ears that hear the truth. Amen.

Just a Beggar

Songs speak to me.  I can be driving along, and be hit so suddenly by the depth and meaning in a song's lyrics that I will weep, and have been known to stop the car while I just put my hands up to God.

Lately God has been giving me an extremely loud and clear message, "Do not be fearful, I can use you, brokenness and all".  I was on my way into the city on my own one day, and three songs came on in a row - each one with a word for me.  It's like the words blew through the speakers, were embedded in my mind, so clearly spelled out that I wouldn't miss them.  With each word, I heard God say, "This is what you need to remember my Child".  The first song spoke of being "fearless".  The second song about being "fierce".  The third was that He made me "flawless".  I went home and printed it out, and hung it on a wall I look at daily. 

I'm working so hard to stop living in fear.  Fear that I'm being judged.  Fear that I'm annoying.  Fear that people don't agree with me.  Fear that I will cause confrontation.  Fear that I don't know my stuff (Biblical knowledge).  Fear that I'm stepping out with my thoughts and words without a deep enough faith.  Fear that people will talk about me.  Fear... that crippling, paralyzing little word.

I also have a fierce side that is rarely seen - as it gets buried by fear.  I have strong and fierce beliefs, and a fire that burns within me to share them.  But my fear holds me back.

The biggest fear is that I will fail, and that people will laugh at me because I am so flawed.  Who will take my message seriously?  What is that MESSAGE even about?!  I have so many questions about where God wants me to go, and it's so easy for me to wander in the direction I CHOOSE for MYSELF.

Today the song that broke me, was "Broken Things" by Matthew West.  The lyrics just shattered my heart today, and I found myself pulled over on the road with my hands to God and tears streaming down my face.  The chorus goes:

Now I’m just a beggar in the presence of a King

I wish I could bring SO MUCH MORE
But if it’s true You use BROKEN THINGS
Then HERE I AM Lord, I'm all Yours.

My heart just broke at the image of myself before God, so broken and hopeless, and yet having Him say to me, "I can use you".  I just want to give Him all of me to use - broken, fearful, meek, and flawed.  He's taken all of that, and I want to thank Him by saying "Here I am Lord, I'm all Yours".  He will use me, but step one is to cast away the fear.